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Sweary Owl House (Pilot episode)

So I guess I'm doing an episode of this

Eda: You help me piss off the cops and I'll teach you how to be a witch. Deal?

Luz looks at them both for a moment.

Luz hugs them. Eda: Wait, wait, what the fuck is happening?

King: Ow! My goshdarn ribs!

Eda: Look what you did! You made him swear.

King: Sorry, Mom.

Beat.

King: We can... we can forget I just said that, right?

Hooty: Fuck no, hoot hoot.

sweary owl house tohedit eda hooty king 1x01 and that's the pilot

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Eda: And this is where I live. The Owl House.

Eda: Don't even think about singing that tune, Hooty.

Hooty: Screw you, now I'm not going to tell you that you left your shit outside.

Luz: Wow, this is incredible.

Luz: You just live here by yourself?

Eda: Not by myself, more's the pity

King: What's all this noise?! Who dares disturb me? I'll get so angry that I'll say...

King: Who the flip is that? Pardon my language

sweary owl house the owl house tohedit eda hooty king luz 1x01

Eda: This, young Luisa, is The Owl House

Hooty: DA-DA DA-DA-DUH, BUM BUM BUM, DA-DA DA-DA-DUHHHH!

Eda pokes Hooty's eyes. Hooty: Ow!

Eda: Shut up, Hooty.

Hooty: Hoot the fuck, Eda?!

Eda: I don't have time for your shenanigans. Just let us in.

Hooty: Jeez! Fuck me for trying to insert some whimsical self-referential humour into your lives, I guess.

Hooty: Get inside then, you ungrateful bastards.

sweary owl house toh the owl house tohedit eda hooty 1x01

Katya: Just leave us. No point in us both being locked up in here.

Katya: Maybe one day we'll... ah, fuck, who I am kidding? We won't get out of here.

Luz walks off, sad.

Eda: Guess who's a milf and just beat up ten guards?

Eda: You know what? I'm just gonna tell ya. It's me.

Eda: Who shit on your apples? You've lost the childlike enthusiasm from earlier

Luz: Yeah...

King: Did we break her already?

sweary owl house tohedit eda katya king luz 1x01 ahsoka 1x01

King: Never thought I'd see someone commit attempted murder with fireworks

Eda: he's fine, King. He was able to run away

King: Yeah, flocking screaming in pain!

Eda: Ignore that. I'm sure you did absolutely nothing that will traumatise you and haunt you for years.

Eda: Unless that's the kind of shit you humans like. Either way, we should head back home.

Eda: You coming, Luz?

King: Son of a biscuit, FINALLY!

sweary owl house tohedit eda king 1x01

Eda: Suppose I should hold up my end of the bargain and send you back home

Eda: Good thing you didn't lose that key, huh?

Luz: I've... I've really got to go?

King: Isn't your life in the human world way more fun and less dangerous?

Luz: It fucking should be! But no.

Luz: Hey, you should have this. Where I'm from, we don't really have the best history with kings. But you are by far the best of them.

King: But kings are flipping awesome! What could they have done where you're from that was so bad?

Luz: Yeah, let's not get into that right now.

sweary owl house tohedit eda king luz 1x01

Luz: How are you not dead?

Eda: Some mornings I ask myself that very same question

Luz: Your fucking head fell off!

Eda: Wow, rub it in that I'm getting old. Thanks.

Warden: Then consider yourself lucky that you won't have to rot away in here too long before you die.

Warden: Also, I'm taking this back

King: What the fluff, man? Now I'm naked!

King: Oh no, wait... still got the collar on.

sweary owl house tohedit eda king luz warden 1x01

King: Scuse me, that's mine

Warden: Finally, I have you exactly where I want you

King: Sir! Sir that's mine.

Warden: For years I have wanted you and now here you are. Mine at last.

Luz: Dude, are you trying to arrest her or fuck her?

Warden: Well, I was... dammit you little bastard, you spoiled the surprise.

Warden: Eh, well, won't need this now.

King: You evil firkin bar steward

sweary owl house tohedit eda king luz warden 1x01

Warden: That's quite enough!

Eda, Luz and King tumble to the floor

Luz: Oh, shit, am I actually going to die now?

Eda: Not if I can help it. Take this, get back to your own realm.

Luz: But what about you two?

King: Oh, we're fine. Not the first time we've got into a fight with Eda's boyfriends.

Eda: Hey, it's not my fault people are so willing to commit crimes for this ass.

sweary owl house tohedit eda king luz warden 1x01

Luz: Just let me stay and I promise I'll do whatever you need to help out

Eda: Are you comfortable with committing fraud?

King: ooh, don't forget the theft

Eda: Yeah, so basically about 50% of what you do here will be a crime. We cool with that?

Luz: Yeah, fuck it. Beats sitting in a summer camp.

Eda: Is this morally dubious of me?

Eda: Eh, I don't care. Welcome aboard, kiddo.

sweary owl house tohedit eda king luz 1x01

Hope you enjoyed this episode!

For the moment, at least, I won’t be doing any more. This month I’m doing ZD30 (the screenwriting equivalent of NaNoWriMo), as well as trying to finalise Snowflakes to submit to the BBC Open Call, so my time currently is very limited and I just don’t have the space to continue.

There’s also some other reasons I won’t bore you with, but safe to say, I can’t carry on for now. In the future? Who knows?

But it has been fun for me, and I hope it has been for you too.

Don’t forget to be weird as fuck.

-Alice