You know what? Changed my mind. I have decided that this is perfectly in character for Dick “Never Met Anyone He Wasn’t Willing To Emotionally Manipulate” Grayson, because he would 100% say this while looking Bruce dead in the face and his deer in the headlights expression would not break, all while trying to imply that Bruce is oh-so-terrible for trying to make him go up and give the speech he doesn’t want to give.
I have decided it’s much funnier if this is Dick Grayson trying to manipulate Bruce into maybe just doing the speech for him, because he is a horrible demon child who will manipulate anyone, and it only doesn’t work because Bruce Wayne has MET Dick Grayson and knows exactly what he’s doing.
Bruce’s side-eye is a thousand times funnier if it’s in response to him fully knowing Dick is trying to manipulate him and it is NOT working, not this time, pal.
[Two panels of Bruce, Dick, and Damian in suits.
Bruce says, “I’ll get up there and introduce you. Bring the dog.”
Dick look unimpressed and responds, “Really? That feels a little manipulative.”
Batsiblings convince Jason to get himself a cooking Tiktok account, and he gives in. To his surprise, he quickly gains millions of followers and a loyal auditory. The only problem? Jason has no idea that these people came here not necessary for recipes.
Jason: Geez, my followers had been pissing me off lately. Dick, confused: Huh? Why? Jason: They keep commenting ATE. Like, dude? Fucking where? I am not eating in my cooking videos. What is the fucking point? Tim, choking: Oh my fucking God-
Jason, making an angry text post for his followers: YOU ALL. STOP COMMENTING “RAW”. MY MEAT IS NOT RAW. I AM A PROPER COOK. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??? Cassandra: Maybe it is time to tell him… Tim, Steph, Duke, in unison: NO
Bruce, awkwardly trying to have a conversation with Jason: Hey, lad, how is your cooking blog is going? Jason: Uh, people keep commenting cryptid messages. Like, the last time I was showing the right way to tenderise meat for chops because apparently it wasn’t clear and someone requested the whole video? Anyway, I did it, and the whole comment section was writing me “in bed, on the floor, on the couch, on a chair, against the wall, against the window, against the door”… Like, why would I do that, not in the kitchen? Bruce, no less clueless: Maybe it some kind of challenge. Kids love trying new stuff in extreme places nowadays. Jason: Huh. Maybe. Thanks. Bruce, just proud to have a proper conversation and somehow a help: Anytime, Jaylad! Damian, who was unblissfully educated on the slang matter by Tim (because it was his responsibility as a big brother to traumatise him), with his eye twitching: …None of these words were in Koran
Very fun pre-crisis piece of Batman canon that’s technically in play again is that when Dick left for college, Bruce was an incredibly melodramatic empty-nester about it.
He was like, looking soulfully into Dick’s bedroom full of his stuff and narrating the comic like his kid had died.
And when Dick dropped out of college (after either one or three semesters but also the entire Vietnam war pretty much) he loudly and melodramatically projected his own shame onto a Bruce who wasn’t saying anything of the kind, and did things like shout at him about judging for ‘asking if he needed a hand with anything while stalking through the house in full robin costume and visible distress.’
This was the headspace Dick was in when the New Teen Titans formed under Raven’s psychic influence; it led smoothly into a comic in which parents are consistently The Worst and/or die dramatically to get them out of the way; Batman being present as a good mentor would have thrown off the themes but in the early 80s he wasn’t allowed to be written as a toxic jerk yet, so 'Dick projecting all his teenage angst onto his extremely chill batdad’ was the starting move to keep Batman out of the new book.
He did get worse later, imo in part because he was being written to conform to the ntt parenting standard.
Meanwhile if you refer back to the inner monologue in the issue where Dick leaves for school, the most probable internal state for Bruce after Dick dropped out is something like 'it’s really shitty of me to be happy about him being home again when the reason is so upsetting to him so i have to act Very Normal.’
And a pretense of Very Normal is very easy to project shit onto, because you can see they’re hiding something so obviously it’s the thing you’re afraid they’re thinking.
Jason’s fixation on Dick is an outcome of Bruce’s obsession with him, as is Damian’s to a lesser extent, but we must remember that Tim’s developed on its own AND that it precedes Bruce’s at least by several minutes☝🏻
Jason is in civilian clothing absolutely plastered at a Crime Alley bar when Joker breaks out of Arkham, and while still drunk he abruptly decides he’s sick of all this dramatic bullshit and just. kills the Joker. tracks him down, kills him without any fanfare, and ditches. it was executed flawlessly, incredible really considering his intoxication levels at the time. he only slipped up a teeny-tiny amount.
because he got seen leaving the murder scene. in civilian clothing. and then got caught once more via a security camera as he was disappearing back into Crime Alley. and the bats fucking saw that footage.
Bruce Wayne, an emotional wreck, just found out that Jason is alive, apparently just murdered the Joker, and is now living alone in Crime Alley (and who knows in what conditions?! he’s legally dead, there’s no legal way for him to make money, his poor son might be homeless.) andfor some reason he isn’t coming home. Bruce is in despair, getting worse the longer they can’t track Jason down. finally, at his wits end, he decides to ask the help of the one other vigilante figure that seems to know Crime Alley better than the bats, and that might have some less-savoury contacts that could be of better help tracking down a legally dead boy.
the Red Hood, struggling not to laugh hysterically in Batman’s face, has never been more excited to accept a job in his LIFE. he has no plans on how he’s going to fuck with Bruce just yet, but by god is he going to do something.
anyway i bring that up because i think jason’s singular hobby is that he’s a line cook. which you would argue isn’t a hobby at all and i would agree with you but Jason doesn’t know how to have fun outside of the context of work and restaurants take all kinds of nutjobs. he interviews and shit and gets the job because he doesn’t care about things like “being paid” a “livable wage” and seemed like he was on the least amount of drugs at the time of the interview. upon showing up the first day he’s getting settled on the line and the servers come in to be like hey whats up man welcome and like the 5th server is none other than dick grayson. they look at each other in silent horror for 5 seconds before dick visibly comes to some sort of decision and is like. Hi Man I’m Rich Nice To Meet You. and jason is like. im jason. and then they have to pretend not to know each other from there on out until dick gets fired for exhibiting freak behaviors
dick gets a job as a server to exhibit his most unsettling self for once he spends all of his time being put together and nice and keeping people from biting each other and at this job he gets to be somewhat deranged to all of his coworkers. he’s the pet freak. hes acting so hard it has actually looped back around to not acting at all. it’s the kind of stuff you expect from a line cook like juggling the steak knives because it’s dead or picking the lock into the restaurant when you’re locked out but coming from a waiter its like uncanny valley. he never cries in the walk in. he gets screamed at by guests and doesn’t even blink. a woman poured her drink in him once. he was the one to take out the forgotten mouse in a trap that nobody else would touch. he never writes down orders and has never forgotten one. one time the servers were having this somewhat classic discussion and someone was like Hey what was the last thing that made you cry? and he went “my dad” and walked away. he’d never mentioned having a dad before.
jason goes to work to be a line cook so normal it loops back around to being weird.
“hey rich so what’s that dad of yours like?” dick voice the alive one or the dead one? (asker crumples like aluminum foil)
jason is so bewildering because he’s like. this gigantic wall of meat of a man and he’s got a gazillion scars and he’s just like painfully regular. like hey man it’s mothers day and you haven’t even vaped on the line. everyone else has done cocaine. you havent even had coffee. you just finished closing down your station and now you’re dishwashing. hello. “what. josé wants to go home too.” ITS NOT THE DISHWASHING ITS THE LACK OF DRUGS. “i dont like drugs” ITS MOTHERS DAY!!!
“but jason IS weird” you might say. “he’s an incredibly violent man and he says deranged things all the time!” this, i have to tell you, is a bog standard line cook.
I just woke up and somehow the only thought in my head was Jason Todd as an Etsy witch but he only sells ‘violent spells’ and instead of doing spell work he just personally goes out and beats the shit out of whoever you choose
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Just days since paying for the spell, and my creepy stalker hasn’t come near me! It totally worked, someone told me he got hit by a truck in a drive-by last week! Will definitely use again if I need more magical help. GothamGirlyGuy / Purchased item: Bad Luck Spell for Exes, Stalkers, etc
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ This protection spell has been so affective. It’s like I have a big, scary guardian angel looking after me. newtotown / Purchased item: Summoning Spell for Protective Spirits
⭐️☆☆☆☆ Would give 0 stars if I could. Not only did this spell not work, a bunch of other stuff has gone missing from my room since the payment went through. I swear, it almost feels like he cast a vanishing spell on my favorite hoodie, ALL of my left shoes, and my first edition copy of Hound of the Baskervilles. Alvin Draper / Purchased item: Finding Spell for Lost Items
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ So I was a little sceptical about stuff like healing crystals and warding spells and that, and I’ve seen a lot of obvious scams on here. But this witch took the time to explain to me that while the crystals and stones he uses for his work might seem a bit ‘rough’, they’re really effective at warding off negative forces in my life because he picks the ones best suited for each job. I don’t even mind that it basically looks like a chunk of brick he picked up in a construction site, ever since I bought it, the gross peeping tom hasn’t been seen in our neighborhood. And the red details on the corner look really cool! Patty / Purchased item: Warding Stones Sent After Spell
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ One of my new friends told me about this witch and I finally broke down and bought a spell because I’ve been having so much trouble sleeping lately (wheee, trauma!) and my parents cut me off financially (yaaay conservative assholes!) and it just feels like I’m floundering. SO happy I did. The very. Next. Day. My bf told me his brother was taking over his shifts for a while so we could spend more time together, I got a scholarship for school I didn’t even know I qualified for, the restaurant I’ve been interning at got bought and the new owner tripled everyone’s salaries and included the interns on the pay sheet, AND someone broke my father’s kneecap with a crowbar! This guy’s the real deal. B Dowd / Purchased item: Stress Release Spell
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Not sure what I was expecting, but I’ve got to admit this spell has been effective. The guy that used to hit on me every night is convinced there’s some kind of demon in the hospital parking garage and now he doesn’t follow me to my car. Maybe that Draper person had some bad vibes, because I also found a really nice hoodie and a bunch of left shoes? No book, though. Caroline Hill / Purchased item: Guardian Spell
All the Batboys end up getting a Tumblr. Why? Well, in order of least to most surprising…
Tim has a Tumblr because he’s a loser just like us. He posts about Batman and Robin, Wendy the Werewolf Stalker, and Dungeons, Dungeons, & More Dungeons. He used to write Batman RPF but has stopped because now it’s too awkward even for him.
Duke posts those random insane statements that you always see reblogged. He interacts with a lot of humor blogs. Occasionally, he posts very long and detailed political takes. Tim has unknowingly used Duke’s posts for Wendy the Werewolf Stalker Incorrect Quotes.
Dick joined Tumblr as himself on a dare. He was bullied off it for being part of the aristocracy.
Damian uses it to post his original art and handles some commissions. He will never admit it though. He’s locked in a battle with Tim, where Tim tries to prove Damian has a Tumblr account and Damian tries to find Tim’s old Batman RPF.
Jason resisted Tumblr for a long time, but finally got it to chat with people about his classic literature fanfics. He also posts life updates, which everyone thinks are jokes. They are not jokes.
Bruce uses Tumblr for only one purpose: checking on Jason and reassuring himself his son hasn’t died again. He follows Jason from an account that looks like a bot, except for the fact that it has found the original Spiders Georg post and reblogged it, since Bruce thinks that will make him fit in. Jason absolutely knows that this account is Bruce’s, but he allows it.
people don’t talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he’s too busy. like can you imagine it from the league’s perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there’s just something… off. about him.
you can’t pin it down because he’s literally acting exactly the same as usual and there’s no reason to think there’s anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern’s case review, but something’s just… odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything’s up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something’s wrong surely he’ll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles ‘yeah batman was busy, that’s his 17 yr old son. he’s a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we’re not allowed to let him into the weapons department.’ and then walks away like it’s normal.
like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.
wonder woman: so that’s my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?
batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing
the league:
batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that’s not fair! but- no, NO DON’T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I’LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I’LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*
the league:
batman:
batman: *coughs awkwardly*
superman: *sighs*
batman, to superman: …red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-
superman, shaking his head: just… just stop.
the flash: so this isn’t batman either, is it?
wonder woman: if this one’s also a criminal im losing my mind.
superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn’t a criminal. this one’s actually a cop.
batman: *sinks down in his seat* b’s gonna kill me
green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?
'batman’ dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises:batman is a whore.
they think they’ve finally sussed out all 2 of batman’s kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman’ ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say ’-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-’ and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.
wonder woman: you’re different from the other two, aren’t you?
batman: maybe i am maybe i’m not, you can’t prove it.
wonder woman:
green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?
superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you’ve just never realised before.
the league:
batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them…
the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?
'batman’ tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.
the league, concerned:
superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-
batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can’t keep COVERING FOR HIM!
superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.
bonus
the league, squinting at batman:
the league: …
superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*
the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody’s brave enough to say anything*
duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?
