The Apocrypals

Oh my god Italy got hit with 20% tariffs, but Vatican City didn't. Some cardinal is about to become a global leader in microchip imports.

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got a reality check today at work when i was telling my coworker what I'd been up to

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Being presented these two choices right next to each other makes me feel like I'm a character in a Jack Chick Tract or something.

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Listen, if you want to understand how emanations work, it's like this:

If you're an infinite thing like God, and you want to become a finite thing like the world, how do you go from infinite to finite? Answer: emanation.

You know when youre at a wedding, and there's a big pyramid of wine glasses? And they fill the wine glasses by pouring champagne into the top, so it overflows and then fills all the glasses beneath it? Imagine the wine bottle is infinite. That's God.

Each of the glasses is called a hypostasis. God can emanate through many hypostases to reach it's final emanation.

As for how many hypostases there are, and how they're arranged, that's the tricky one. Every religion has a different answer, and it's never simple.

I GET NO RESPECT ON THIS DAMN WEB SITE

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new rule you have to live to be 34. you cant kill yourself until you turn 34. jesus died at 33 you can do better

this is a common law btw. you can check it out by looking up 'rule 34'

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was behind a truck today with a bumper sticker that said "JESUS CAN HELP YOU" and in my head i was like 🙄 ok but then i saw a second, handmade sign on the side of the truck that said "taskrabbit: call jesus torres" and his phone number

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JESUS SAVES

You time and money over other repairmen

if i was stuck in a room witha crocodile id gain its trust and we would escape together

- Saint Euphemia

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king saul taking a shit (while david cuts off a piece of his robe)

illustrations of 1 samuel 24:3 in two different weltchronik (world chronicle) manuscripts. bavaria/austria, c. 1370-75 and c. 1400-50

sources: Munich, BSB, Cgm 5, fol. 136v // Munich, BSB, Cgm 250, fol. 133r

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dj got us falling in love again

common expanded universe win

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🤔

Epitaphios of Michael Kyprianos. Early fourteenth century. Princeton University Art Museum.

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so tonight I’m at synagogue, listening to the Purim Night reading of the Book of Esther, like you do

and near the end of this chapter my brain presents me with the following:

nooooo ooooone plots like Haman calls the shots like Haman plans a genocide by casting lots like Haman

(It only works with the Hebrew pronunciation of Haman, which, like Gaston, is accented on the second syllable.)

By the time we get home my brain has added:

for there’s none so well-favored and kingly yes, we all can be certain of that he’s so rich that his pockets are jingly and he looks really sharp in a three-cornered hat

*face in hands*

Petition to sing this every year at Purim.

I shared this with my dad, and he added:

No one’s spruce as Haman, Nor abstruse as Haman; No one’s half as good tying a noose as Haman! He’ll use gallows in all of his decorating! No one else hangs as well as Haman!

niiiiice

i know several people who will definitely appreciate this.

this is beautiful

oh wait

When I was a lad I hatched four dozen plots Every morning, to raise myself high… And now that I’m grown I hatch five dozen plots So all those who oppose me shall die!

Oy, what a goy, that Haman!

*SPLUTTERS*

There’s no force like Haman! Stays the course like Haman! Or goes riding out on the King’s horse like Haman!

What other man would the King choose to honor?

Surely it must be Haman!

Oh that’s not bad – except the second-to-last line needs to rhyme. (With what, you ask? With the same line in every verse – see “as a specimen, yes, I’m intimidating” / “I’m especially good at expectorating” / “I use antlers in all of my decorating” / “And his marriage we soon will be celebrating” in the original.)

So perhaps swap that out with For who else would the King be appreciating?

Also: happy ten-year anniversary to this silly song, and so many thanks to everybody who’s suggested additions.

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