Caffeine and Magix

“It’s kind of like the Hangover,” Selene observes. She’s not even breathing hard, power walking down the hall of their hotel in heels like she does this every Friday night. “You know? That move with Zack Gal–”

“Oh - my - god,” Heather pants, fingers twisted tightly in the fabric of her skirt so that it doesn’t get caught under her wedges. “Oh god, we’re in a dude movie!”

At the head of the pack, Ryan stops, spinning on her stiletto to glare. She’s the only one in a dress short enough not to have to hold it and she puts her hands on her hips.

“We are not,” she hisses, “in a dude movie. This isn’t like the Hangover because we haven’t lost her!”

Heather and Selene look at each other and then back to Ryan. They’ve been following her lead all night, respecting her place as maid of honor, but Ryan knows it’s only a matter of time before that changes.

Witches don’t particularly like playing follow the leader.

“Well,” Selene says at last, “do we know where Kim is?”

“No,” Ryan says, “but–”

“Has she responded to any of our messages?” Heather asks.

Ryan pulls her phone out of her cleavage to check her messages and winces. “Well, no, but–”

“Does anyone remember what happened this afternoon?” Selene asks.

Heather wrinkles her nose. “There was a unicorn? I think? Or a donkey with a very convincing aura.”

Selene does jazz hands. “We lost the bride and we’re in the Hangover.”

“We didn’t leave the hotel,” Ryan says despairingly. “They left the hotel in the movie and we didn’t so it’s not.”

“There, there,” Heather says, patting Ryan on the arm. Her hand, for some reason, is dyed blue. “That means it’ll be easier to find her!”

“Right,” Selene says, nodding. She hesitates. “Unless, of course, we didn’t stay in the hotel.”

“We did,” Ryan says. “We made a plan, we said we’d stick to the plan and the plan said to stay in the hotel.”

Selene holds up her hands, letting her maxi dress fall back to the floor. “Right, right, right, right, but what if we didn’t? Just hypothetically.”

“Then we’d be stuck searching all over LA for Kim, the single most accident-prone witch on the entire planet,” Ryan says. She steps out from under Heather’s hand. “Which is why it’s good that we stayed in the hotel, right?” The ends of her perfectly curled hair spark.

“There’s not a tattoo parlor in the hotel,” Selene says, unbothered by Ryan’s electricity. “And that–” she points to Ryan’s arm “–sure looks like a tattoo.”

Ryan twists her arm up, eyes widening as she sees that Selene is right. She does have a tattoo and it’s–

“Oh,” Heather says, “it’s Donovan! I knew he was a donkey.”

“Oh my god,” Ryan breathes out. “We’re in a dude movie.”

————————————-

The good news about the tattoo (the only good news) is that it gives them a place to start. There’s only one place in LA with a watercolor artist (“It’s a really good picture of Donovan! Artistic!”) in walking distance and they didn’t find any receipts for a cab or uber on their phones.

They know they’re on the right track when they walk in and the receptionist greets them. By name.

“Ryan!” the man says, coming around the desk. “It’s only been a few hours, what brings you back so soon? One of your friends decide on a design they liked?”

“Listen,” Ryan says, eyes flicking down to the man’s chest. There’s no nametag. Fuck. “Y-you. Listen, you.”

“Nice,” Heather whispers from behind her. Ryan casually kicks her in the shin.

“We had another friend with us, right?” Ryan asks the man. “Black woman with red hair? About five feet tall? Probably wearing a bachelorette crown?”

The man frowns, looking between them all. “…yes?” He walks back behind his desk, putting it between them and him. “It’s a little weird that you’re asking me. Since, you know, you were here.”

“Oh, he’s good,” Selene says under her breath. “Keep it on the down low, that’s what you said, Ryan.” She raises her voice. “Look, dude, we were drunk and we don’t remember, could you just tell us if we left with our friend or not?”

“You were drunk?” the man asks. “I made you take a sobriety test!”

“Witches,” Heather says with a shrug. “Your pitiful Earth electronics are easy to fool.”

“You can’t sue me for tattooing you if you lied on the sobriety test,” the man tells them. He folds his arms. “No refunds.”

“We don’t want a refund,” Ryan says, throwing her hands up.

Heather presses a hand to her chest. “We would never get rid of Donovan!”

“Well,” Ryan hedges. “We might–eventually–”

“Never,” Heather hisses. “He’s too beautiful!”

“Thank you,” the man says, oddly touched. “I was pretty proud at how it came out considering the short time frame. You ladies really wanted to go see that show. Nearly didn’t finish before you were out the door.”

The women look at each other.

“What show?”

—————————————

The Pantages Theater is dark when they get there. It’s nearly three am and LA foot traffic is finally dwindling down. They manage to catch a ticket seller as he’s locking up.

“I’ll call the police,” he says when he sees them. He presses his back against the closed doors, looking sorry to have locked them already. “Security is still on site. I know martial arts–”

“Oh yeah,” Selene says, amused, “Kim’s been here.”

Ryan shoots her a dirty look. “Sir, look, sir. We’re very sorry for whatever our friend did–”

“What your friend did?” the ticket seller yelps. “It’s what you did. The performers are still filing restraining orders!”

“Oh no,” says Ryan.

“They can get in line,” Heather sighs.

“What?” Selene asks Heather.

“Sir,” Ryan tries again, “I’m sorry for…whatever we did. We were clearly intoxicated.”

“You made Peter Pan fly,” the man tells her. “Your red-head friend got on stage. That one–” he jerks his chin to Heather “–would not stop singing.”

“And I get a restraining order for that?” Heather asks incredulously. “You should pay me for that.”

“You made the audience fall asleep!” the ticketseller says. “They wouldn’t wake up until you stopped!”

“Ooooooh,” Heather says and winces. “Right, ladies, we’ve got to find Kin fast. Magicking in LA is a bad offense and we do not want to be here when the Council finds out.”

“The what?” the man asks.

Ryan waves off the question. “Look, sir, did we leave with our friend? We’ll leave as soon as we have some idea about where to find her.”

“You mean she’s loose?” the man asks, horror in his voice. He clutches his vest tighter around him. “She escaped police custody?”

“Oh shit,” Selene says. “Did we throw Kim to the cops?”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Heather says.

Selene squints her eyes at her. “Seriously, what do you guys do in Texas?”

“Too much,” Heather sighs.

“Where’s the nearest precinct?” Ryan asks the ticket seller. “Please.”

———-

In the end, they don’t actually have to go much further than down the road.

There’s a police car, crashed into a fire hydrant, and dangerously, conspicuously empty.

“Oh no,” Heather says, distressed, “California is in a drought, they can’t afford to be losing water like that.”

“Do you think she killed the officers?” Selene asks. She cracks her fingers. “It’s been awhile since I subverted justice, I think I’m out of practice.”

“I actually don’t remember this happening in the Hangover,” Heather says. She taps her chin. “Or do I?”

“We are NOT in the Hangover!” Ryan shrieks. Lightning arcs from her clenched fists and hits the police car. A small fire starts in the back seat.

“Oh yeah,” Selene says, snapping her fingers. “That’s how you subvert justice.”

Heather claps her hands.

“I’m done,” Ryan says and turns to go back the way they came. “I am done. No more running around LA, no more hiding from the police, I am done.”

She hears Heather and Selene jog to catch up with her.

“I understand your frustrations,” Heather says carefully, panting. “But, uh, we can’t just leave Kim wherever she is. Since, you know, I think Geoff is waiting for her? To get married.”

“In six hours,” Selene says helpfully. She’s still not winded.

“I didn’t say anything about leaving her,” Ryan says. She purses her lips. “But we are not the dudes from the Hangover, ladies. We are witches.”

“I don’t mind being the dudes from the Hangover,” Heather says. “They live exciting lives.”

“We can be witches and be the dudes from the Hangover,” Selene says generously.

“No, we can’t,” Ryan says. “BEcause those idiots had to run all over Las Vegas to find their friend. We have magic.”

“Oh,” Heather says, “that’s right.”

“We need to think things through more,” Selene observes.

They go back to the hotel.

——————————–

“All right,” Ryan says, “I’m going to need Kim’s hairbrush, a map of LA, a bowl of water, and a bottle of vodka.”

Heather rummages in the side table drawer, coming out with an LA guide. “What’s the vodka for?”

“Therapy,” Ryan says grimly. She spots the minibar and crows. “Ah ha!”

“Nooope,” Selene says, plucking it out of her hands. “No casting and drinking, you know the rules.” She puts Kim’s hairbrush in her grip instead. “I’ll fill up the bathtub.”

“Look out for tigers!” Heather calls after her. When she sees Ryan looking at her, she shrugs. “It was in the movie.”

“No tigers,” Selene says from the bathroom. “Damn it.”

Ryan rubs her face. Of course Selene is disappointed by the lack of carnivorous animals. Of course. “Let’s just find Kim. Her hair appointment starts in an hour.”

They do the spell, staring at the results.

“No,” Ryan says.

Selene laughs.

Heather pumps her fist. “Yes!”

“No!”

“Yessssss!”

“I’m probably Bradley Cooper in all this.” Selene muses.

Ryan’s head whips to her. “You are not!”

“Let’s go get Kim, my dudes,” Heather says. “She’s going to be so excited that she’s Justin Bartha.”

———————————————

Kim blinks up at them, sprawled out on the roof. The sun is peeking over the horizon and she squints up at the three faces above her. “Oh fuuuuck me, did we make Peter Pan fly?”

“Ryan did,” Heather says.

“I will never confirm nor deny,” says Ryan. “And neither should you when the Council comes knocking.”

“Oh,” Selene says to Kim, “and you might want to avoid LA for a while. Best as we can figure you crashed a cop car and did something with the cops.”

Kim raises an eyebrow, looking way too calm for someone who just woke up on a roof. “I didn’t…?”

“No blood,” Selene says. “I checked.”

Ryan stares at her. “When did you–”

“She’s much better than Justin Bartha,” Heather interrupts. “She’s taking this way better than he did.”

“We’re in the Hangover,” Selene explains.

Kim lets her head drop back to the rooftop. “Best. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.”

[END TIME! This was fun, I wanted to do dialogue today if you couldn’t tell lol]