casual throwback to this bc im still mad that i have never been able to find this again

the fourth rule is it doesn’t have to be fucking canon

FIFTH RULE IT IS ALWAYS MORALLY CORRECT TO MAKE THAT SHIP MORE TOXIC!!!!!

oh leonid, we're really in it now

Leonid, you really understand it.

Save me Leonid, from my empty Word document

Leonid what should I do about the emails

Babe are you okay? you reblogged Leonid Pasternak's Torments of Creative Work again

Leonid Pasternak is the best! My favorite of his is The Night Before The Exam (1895).

My man Leonid continues to be relatable

the charm hanging from my rearview mirror does double duty, making it so that i won’t crash the car and helping me verify that i didn’t steal someone else’s car by mistake, both objectively ridiculous things to think and yet here we are

my theory is they went with dire wolves because it's the easiest pop culture-famous extinct animal to evoke. anything people would see as cool or notable enough to care about, like a dinosaur or a woolly mammoth or a dodo, is really hard to genetically edit into existence; the exception being dire wolves, which people both think of as an epic game of thrones fantasy creature that also looks exactly like a normal wolf (as opposed to a large bush dog that isn't that closely related to grey wolves)

here's a good article from New Scientist for anyone who wants it!

i mean you're right, i started transitioning about eight months after this, but i have no idea how you got that from the post

Other shit:

1. The crotch-and-chin destroying hell of a toddler’s carseat
2. How fucking scary stairs are when you JUST figured out walking. “You can stand up” nah fuck that these steps go up to my knees and I’m top-heavy I’m gonna scoot down on my ass thank you
3. Walking alongside fucking giants whose legs are bigger than your whole fucking body and trying to keep up
4. Not knowing how to blow your nose and everyone expecting you to just figure it out by holding a tissue and saying “blow” like WHAT DO YOU MEAN CLOSE MY THROAT? Just an absolute snot waterboarding
5. People describing how to make sounds with your mouth but you can’t see inside their mouth when they do it so you kind of just guess over and over while they tell you you still don’t got it
6. Not having a full grasp of language but fully understanding CONCEPTS so you say shit like “are we going to the park later?” When you mean TOMORROW but all you can come up with is shit like “the next time we have lunch, not today but after today, after that” like a fucked up game of verbal post-brain injury Pictionary where people won’t let you get mad about it
7. Just. Mucus. Mucus and chapped skin, all the time, chin and upper lip. And you’re not supposed to lick it cause the spit is the PROBLEM but it’s fucking OBNOXIOUS. “Just keep the skin dry” wow thanks I’ve been aware of this mechsuit for about ten minutes and still haven’t fully mastered not falling into the toilet but yeah I know how to stay on top of that, cool
8. FALLING INTO THE TOILET
9. Trying to eat at a table where the surface comes up to your chin but not being able to get high or close enough cause you can’t scoot your chair in and your hands still don’t coordinate good so you end up just spooning tomato sauce onto your lap like an asshole. Like yeah mom my bad, have you considered though that I ALSO don’t want me to be covered in sauce? Cool
10. Adults being WAY too excited about shit that straight up is not worth the hype
11. Carpet burn. Constant carpet burn. Crawling, tripping, shuffling between toys on the floor. So much goddamn carpet burn
12. Knowing exactly what you’re talking about and zero people understanding because they think you’re too dumb for what you’re trying to communicate
13. Being told to wave at or hug complete strangers. And they always smelled kinda weird but you weren’t supposed to say it
14. The feeling of meeting an older kid and they act like they’re your manager or something
15. Encyclopedic knowledge and name of every single person in your grade 1 class, and their interests
16. Stroller rides. You could zone out at the ground for hours I swear to god
17. Dropping something while buckled into a carseat or stroller and not being able to get it and just resigning yourself to a life in hell
18. Dropping something while you’re in a carseat and it goes UNDER YOUR ASS and you can’t fucking GET IT
19. Other children getting away with just absolute war crimes. Imagine if Sharon showed up to the office potluck and offered you a cookie and after you ate one revealed that she licked it. Imagine if Gord took your stapler and put it down his pants so you couldn’t get it back. Imagine if for no reason at all your coworker told you your dad was stupid and then put your laptop in the garbage
20. Not remembering what different foods are called and getting pressured into agreeing to food you were NOT FULLY AWARE OF. How the FUCK is a chicken wing different from a chicken strip you ask? “Well, one just has a bone in it!” You fool. You fucking idiot. They might as well be from different animals entirely. But now you gotta eat it cause we don’t waste food (hell)

Yes I’ve talked about this before and yes I’m going to talk about it again because every single person on earth should be fully and viscerally aware that being a kid feels like every description I’ve ever read of recovering from a stroke and we all grow up and forget and talk about childhood like it was magic.

Yeah some of it was fun and all but don’t you remember FALLING DOWN CONSTANTLY? You don’t remember needing help putting a shirt on cause you got your arm stuck and couldn’t get out and panicked so bad you started crying? You DON’T remember being just CONSTANTLY STICKY? Ohhh my good, pissing yourself. Pissing yourself was the worst. Christ alive, and being put in the playpen with a weird kid

Why were you falling into the toilet?

I WAS LIKE TWO FEET TALL

Are you serious that most people don't remeber being that young?

Frankly, I don't remember a year ago

I don't remember a day before 11, and I don't mean that, as, like, hyperbole, I mean, I have, at best, maybe the sensation of a sight and sound or two and the sharp broken glass of some very awful days and nights, mayhaps a handful out of the hundreds of days of my existence that I cannot ever pull to the front of my mine ever again.

Near and as far as I can tell, my current mental record of my entire existence starts at age 12 in South Carolina, crying on a stool in the public clubhouse, and that's the entirety of my childhood.

There's a weird kind of grief in losing your own library of Alexandria.

"average intersex person has 1/160000th of a pants spider" factoid actually just statistical error.

Did you do math to make this joke

probably wrong, but yes.

Excellent. This is what high school algebra skills are meant to be used for.