A group of far-future linguists and archeologists suddenly *poof* into existence in front of me. One is holding a tablet. “What is the difference between ‘red sauce’ and 'tomato sauce?’” they ask me. “The distinction is not clear in extant texts from this time and place.”
“Uh, they’re the same thing,” I tell them. “Who are you?”
“Yes!” the being with the tablet exclaims.
One of the other researchers groans. “No! My thesis…months of writing wasted…” One of the others comforts them.
“Now, what is this object for?” The first researcher holds up a discolored, dinged-up plastic object. It’s clearly been buried in the ground for quite some time, but the two holes and the scuffed plastic window are distinctive.
“That’s a cassette tape. You record music with it.”
“Interesting, interesting.” The being enters something on the tablet.
“How are you speaking English?”
“Sophisticated translation technology,” one of the researchers confides. “We are students of your society. From the future.”
“What does this pictogram represent?” The researcher with the tablet turns it around so that the screen faces me.
It’s the eggplant emoji.
“Sex,” I say. “Why do you need to ask me this if you can time travel or whatever? Can’t you just go wherever you want to go and look around and see how these things are being used?”
The beings shift guiltily and look at each other. “Technically, travel to times and places prior the advent of time travel is strictly prohibited. Paradoxes, you know.”
“Oh.”
“We must get back before our advisor returns to the lab. Just don’t tell anyone you saw us, alright? The space-time continuity depends on it. Can you do that?”
“Uh, sure, I guess?”
One of them pats me on the head. “And don’t go to Mars.”
“Okay. Wait, why? Is it dangerous?”
“No. Just not worth it.”
The group disappears in a shimmering light.
The cassette clatters to the sidewalk behind them.
Out of befuddlement, mainly, I pick it up. It’s clearly old, discolored and scuffed, but it still has tape in it.
I carry the tape around in my pocket for a while. The curiosity builds. I want to know what’s on that tape. I don’t have a cassette player anymore, so I go to Goodwill and pick up the first one I can find, praying that it still works. I plug it in. It turns on.
I slide the tape inside. It’s dirty, but it still seems to be in decent shape. I snap the player closed and hit play. The wheels begin to turn. I hold my breath.
A familiar tune starts up. A wobbly voice comes out of the machine.
it’s fun that Mormonism is based off pseudo-archeology and Scientology is based off pseudo-psychiatry. By that logic the big American New Religious Movement of the 21st century is gonna be based on… pseudo-computer science?
a fun fact i can often use in a “share a fun fact” situation is that i will always get chosen in an audience participation scenario no matter what—if i want to be. any time someone is like “I’ll need someone from the crowd,” i raise my hand and i don’t jump up or down or shine my phone light or anything. i just relax and think at the person on stage with all my focus “look at me.” they always do and they always choose me. i’ve done this from a shit seat in row 1 thousand million and whatever in a stadium. but if i don’t feel like it then i just don’t do it. it’s up to me. for some reason. i’ve gotten a lot of cool prizes this way but one time i ate a sandwich a guy prepared with his feet. don’t go on stage at a vaudeville show. maybe that’s obvious but i was caught up in the vibe.
part of the performance was him adroitly washing his feet in soap and warm water with the thoroughness of someone about to do surgery.
meanwhile a recent poll on this website says that less than half of the thousands of adults surveyed wash their hands at home after being out. so it’s with great pain that we must admit the Foot Sandwich was more sanitary than many of the meals we eat at our friends’ houses.
I reblog. I reblog aloooot. Also too lazy to tag, but if you really want me to then I'll make a good effort but I can't promise anything. I reposts stuff I like and make random rants. - Michael - Straight - Cis Male - Old - Meep Moop - Geometric Frands:@geometricfrands -RedBubble:
