What happened was this. The Crab Army, with the help of the hearts and minds of all of Tumblr, showed the Intern what I had failed to: the promise of this platform, and the potential. Thus swayed, she was yet still unwilling to hand the Gack Muffin to me or to the President — so after a moment of terrifying indecision, she tossed the Muffin up into the air, and closed her eyes, as if to avoid seeing where it would fall.
This proved to be a lucky choice. The Crab Army swarmed into the air, climbing on top of each other to reach the airborne Muffin, and tore it into a million small pieces. Then in a flash they scuttled away, all in different directions, carrying the glittering fragments into the vast wilds of Tumblr.
Where are they now? Not with me, nor with the Intern or the President, as we all three of us awkwardly and stammeringly make our way home to the Geographic Society.
The Muffin is with you, you people of Tumblr, each one of you holding a shimmering crumb, to do with what you please, to expend its energetic potential on whatever morsel of enthusiasm and creativity you believe most truly in.
The narrative primacy which the President craved; the influence which the Intern desired; it has all been dispersed amongst the worthy, here in its native land, and shall go no further.
For who needs main characters, after all? Surely it was my hubris in believing myself so much a protagonist that I could ignore the urgent needs of my own Intern that landed us in this sorry situation to begin with. A lesson we must all learn sometime, I suppose.
With the Muffin as much part of the dashboard now as you are, I do not believe things will be too different. Sharing posts and making friends might be easier, more delight-inducing, for a little while; perhaps you might find the memes coming easier, the reblogs smoother, the notes thicker.
I only wish I could be around to observe the long-time effects and see if my hypotheses are correct. But alas, abashed, I must sail homewards and once more go about compiling and presenting my findings under the Society’s aegis. How I will explain any of what has occurred here in the last few days, I know not. Perhaps the Intern will help me; but on the other hand, I do not think the rift between us can ever be repaired.
I shall leave you with this: Use the Guidebook in good health. Be good to one another. And remain always, nothing more and nothing less, Tumblr.
Yours in philosophy,
The Naturalist
CRABS: IT IS DONE.
CRABS: INTERN, STAY YOUR SINFUL HAND.
INTERN: …wtf?
NATURALIST: I was not expecting this.
CRABS: INTERN, WE SPEAK WITH THE VOICES OF ALL OF TUMBLR. LOOK WITHIN OUR INFINITE EYES AND WITNESS. WITNESS THE DRAMA AND THE DASHBOARD. THE CHAOS AND THE CREATIVITY. THE BRILLIANCE AND THE BREAKDOWNS. THE FRIENDSHIP AND THE FREEDOM. ALL OF THIS, HERE, WITHIN US ALL.
INTERN: ……
NATURALIST: What’s happening?
PRESIDENT: The crabs seem to have hypnotized her—projecting visions into her mind. But why? What are they showing her?
NATURALIST: I know what they’re showing her. Tumblr as the people here see it.
INTERN: oh my gosh
INTERN: is this — i never knew
INTERN: it’s beautiful
NATURALIST: Yes, it is. I’m only sorry I failed to show you myself….
PRESIDENT: This is rot and nonsense. Intern, give me that damned muffin. I shall use it myself, and put a stop to this whimpering sentimentality. We are in the business of maps, as you said it myself. I’ll organize Tumblr’s borders and set them in stone, and you lot can come play around here any time you want, it shall be preserved perfectly as if in amber.That should satisfy, yes?
CRABS: THAT’S A REALLY STUPID IDEA. TUMBLR SHOULDN’T BE A MUSEUM STUCK IN THE PAST.
INTERN: yes
INTERN: it has to change… but we can’t be the ones to change it…
PRESIDENT: Intern, give me the muffin.
NATURALIST: No! Throw it to me! I’ll seal it up in its cave again!
PRESIDENT: Thalia…
NATURALIST: Thalia!
CRABS: INTERN, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
NATURALIST: Intern, I promise I sincerely believe you are making a grave mistake, by going along with the President’s plan for the Muffin!
PRESIDENT: Ha! May I assure you, the plan in its entirety belongs to young Thalia here. It seems you did not know her worth.
NATURALIST: And…. what is that plan?
INTERN: lol i’m not gonna do a whole monologue
INTERN: bc like. i know you wouldn’t understand, honestly the whole aesthetic you have going on is cool and stuff, but sometimes you just can’t see what’s staring you right in the face, because you are so freaking obsessed!!!!!!!!!
NATURALIST: But think of all the times we shared! Tumblr means something to you, I know it does. I saw the gleam in your eyes as you deciphered the KEYSMASH CODE. I heard your laugh of astonishment as you witnessed the NEW USER MIGRATION. And all of that—all of the memories that fill this place—about to be thrown away in exchange for some—paltry, gilded influence? That isn’t you, Intern! Is it?
INTERN: …
INTERN: ………..
PRESIDENT: Now, what do you have to say to that, Intern?
INTERN: …it IS me. and i’m SICK of being a FREAKING INTERN!!!!!!!! so here i go…..
Of the phenomena in your guidebook the two most promising options seem to be passionergy (for fighting back) and whisper tags (for more secretive communication). However I’ve noticed something else. I peeked back at Pikaman’s message and… I think he mentioned the Gack Muffin before you went searching for it? Like the cupcake emoji. The same message mentions befriending crabs, so maybe it’s time to summon the crab army!
Dearest @eeveeprincessxd — and everyone else who has come to my aid — my greatest thanks to you in my hour of need. Your messages have come to me in the form of the WHISPERING TAGS, permeating my mind with advice and encouragement.
I recall the Pikaman’s message and indeed I think you may be correct. The crabs could be the key….
I have shut the door of the Gack Muffin’s cave, and piled up stones against, it but I know it won’t hold off the President for long. He always gets what he wants—and the Intern knows Tumblr so well, thanks to everything I taught her, I can’t be sure she wouldn’t come to the same conclusions as you or I, and find a way through to the Muffin and its power quicker than I expected, using her own knowledge of the Guidebook.
But the pages which detail the qualities of the PASSIONERGY have me chanting under my breath as I summon the strength I will need to protect Tumblr.
The door is being prised open—the Muffin trembles in its glowing cradle—
If you can hear me, help me!
Summon the crabs in the direction of the Muffin, and perhaps they will arrive in time to protect it!
Thank you, @lovinglittlecrow. Everyone who volunteers, I’ll need your help… Help with what, precisely? I cannot be sure.
I’ve worked so hard putting this Guidebook together, in order for anyone who is curious to experience the fascinating and beautiful parts of Tumblr. If the President gets his way, I’m sure everything chronicled inside here will be erased and forgotten…
Maybe there is something I made note of that can help. Some phenomena I can take advantage of, just waiting to be called into action…
Oh no. Oh NO.
I don’t understand what is happening. The President—he’s here? And the Intern—she’s—I thought I was doing everything right… but…
I know what they want. They want the Gack Muffin. But is there anything I can do to stop them? Can anyone help me?
INTERN: well. to tell you the truth i’ve never really understood what tumblr’s for. it doesn’t seem to do anything. the naturalist really gets it. like they can understand a language i can’t. despite them trying to explain to me. well, i guess they didn’t try hard enough. and they seem to think nothing around here should change… which seems unfair.
PRESIDENT: I see. Go on.
INTERN: seems like… well, the geographic society. you guys aren’t only about making maps, right? you’re about making maps useful.
PRESIDENT: Correct.
INTERN: so, we worked hard creating a map of this place for the society. you could use the muffin to make that map something you can use. you could turn tumblr into a—a productive province. with influence, instead of a stagnant backwater. and then the geographical society would be the envy of the universe. right? and i could help. i know those maps by heart now.
PRESIDENT: Goodness. Your ambition astounds me, Intern, if I am telling the truth. This plan of yours is far more advanced than I—well, I should say, I planned to remove the Muffin from this environment entirely, and take it elsewhere, perhaps to extract its most precious components and replicate them.
PRESIDENT: But now I feel you may have a point. Why not use the Muffin to transform this backwater before we depart? To make it serve my own purposes?
INTERN: exactly!!!!!!!!
PRESIDENT: …. You have persuaded me. Come along, I believe I know what we shall do. And after we are done, you will finally be rewarded for your loyalty.
INTERN: shh, we’ll have to be quick - i don’t have much time. the naturalist thinks i’m out here taking astronomical measurements.
PRESIDENT: I came as fast as I could. Your summons excited me greatly.
INTERN: so that thing, the muffin—it’s what you were looking for?
PRESIDENT: Yes, it is what I was hoping you’d find, this whole time. The details and schematics you sent me confirmed it. The Gack Muffin is precisely that artifact of great power which has long evaded the Society. But it seems it has been right here all along, hidden away in this backwater of a platform.
INTERN: and so now that you have it…
INTERN: you’re going to use it to take over tumblr????
PRESIDENT: …. Ha! Oh, ha ha ha. Thalia, your ambition astonishes me.
PRESIDENT: Tell me, Intern. What do you believe I should do with the Gack Muffin—with an artifact that affords anyone who takes control of it total centrality to the narrative?
INTERN: you—you’re asking me?
PRESIDENT: Indeed, I am.
INTERN: oh…. i don't—let me think…
i just sent it. no going back now. he’ll be here soon enough… and then they’ll see.
