I received a wicked letter today from my mother. It was a portrait immortalizing a past failing of mine. She did not address such a missive to inform me I was forgiven or forgotten, nor to encourage my growth, but simply to taunt me!
I do admit it was a comical embarrassment, but I still have done nothing to earn such captiousness.
I dropped a raw egg on the floor of a movie theater. Idk how much more on I can go.
Why did you have a raw egg in a movie theater???
Ah, contraire, mon ami! I didn’t have a raw egg in a movie theater, I had three raw eggs in a movie theater. I just only dropped one.
Like to eat?
Well, I mean, eggs do exist to be eaten. Kinda the main focus of its existence.
So like, you’re partial to salmonella?
I never said I ate raw eggs, only that eggs exist to be eaten
So why did you have an unimportant number of raw eggs in a movie theater?
Well, I put the eggs into my coat pocket so they wouldn’t freeze and then I wore my coat into the movie theater so I wouldn’t freeze and then once fell out. And then I had to tell several very confused movie theater employees that I’d dropped a raw egg on the floor of the theater.
Original theatre shenanigans post!
And then I walked out because I had another appointment. I told the employee I dropped a raw egg on the theater floor and walked out.
Bri is right, I bet there is a Tumblr post about you somewhere. Something along the lines of: “someone just dropped?? a raw egg??! in our theater. Walked up to me, told me this, and then. Left. Leaving me with all questions and no answers. And a raw egg on the floor. At least she put paper towels on it??”
Provided you’re generally healthy, you are in greater danger driving to the store to buy the raw eggs than you are from eating them.
If my husband ever comes on here and reports that I died of salmonella from eating raw cookie dough, just know I died happy.
I know this has nothing to do with eggs in a movie theater but I don’t have much to add to that discussion by now 🤣
I did not actually buy that egg from a store. We own chickens, and it was laid that day, so there’s statistically very little risk of salmonella. But I am not eating an egg of a theater floor, no matter how little risk of getting salmonella there is.
The egg/salmonella would probably be the least of your worries if you did that. Like other diseases/infections, mental illness or the people who watched someone drop an egg on the floor then begin to eat it… probably get the police called or something.
My favourite harmless prank I’ve heard of was done by this girl whose dad was a geologist, and they’d go on day hikes with his geologist friends/co-workers and when she got bored on them she’d habitually pick up a random rock and go ask him what it is, and one of them would explain what kind of a rock that is, how it probably got here, and usually some notions of the more unusual features the rock had, if any.
And she had a friend who had once gone on a tourist trip to Iceland and brought back a volcanic rock. So she borrowed the rock and took it with her on the hike, and after two randomly picked up “hey dad what rock is this”, she presented the volcanic rock, in the same fashion as all the others.
3 minutes later there are five middle-aged and older men circled around this mysterious rock, all agreeing on what it is, but not why it is. They keep asking her questions, where did she find it? Were there any other rocks around there that looked like it? Was it like this on the ground? People walking past the group try to stretch their necks to see over the geologists’ shoulders to see what’s the source of such amazement.
And in the end she couldn’t take it anymore, burst into laughter and confessed. The geologists agree that it was pretty clever.
so. my wife came downstairs just as i took a bite out of the remaining half red onion on the counter. literally within seconds of just getting away with it. i looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both sat there a moment, all frozen, beforeshe said babs, what the fuck.
i tried to say i can explain but it came out as or corn explorn because such was the onion in my mouth that there was no room for words. its honestly a miracle that she understood me at all. at least, i’m assuming that she understood me because she did let me get my bearings for a few moments. a smarter man would’ve used that time to think up a good lie, but instead i just chewed as fast as i could because i knew i was gonna have to tell a whopper and i really wanted to be able to use big words again.
big words are instrumental to telling a whopper.
anyway, i totally ran out of time. i barely got my first swallow of onion in before she said well?, and i did at least have an empty mouth to match my empty head. but also i had no lies. so i looked her dead in the face, opened my mouth and waited, every bit as curious as her, to hear what excuse my mouth was gonna come up with.
im pregnant, said my mouth.
great job, mouth, said my brain.
mmmmm onion, said my mouth.
better you than me, said my wife.
then she went upstairs. it has been two hours she still refuses to kiss me. im devastated. im shook. im crying a little, i think.
moment of unspeakable beauty today when one of my coworkers called another coworker “judas” for not splitting a can of white monster with her, and i got to watch the guy who sits next to me open a new google tab, type in “jeudis,” and say quietly to himself “french thursday…?”
“Come on, this isn’t funny.” “I’m not joking. It’s locked.”
“Is that the only tent we have?”
“There’s only one bed.” “Well, darlin’, I’m not sleeping on the floor, so I guess we’ll have to share.”
“I’m your bodyguard. It’s in the job description to protect you at all times.” “Well, could you at least ‘protect’ me from over there?”
“You have got to be kidding me. I have to share a room with you.”
“What do you mean there’s only one sleeping bag? You had one job.”
“Quit following me!” “I was hired to follow you, princess, better get used to it.”
“What the hell is that noise?” “Uh, yeah, slight problem. We’re out of gas.”
“Where are you going? We’re in the middle of nowhere!” “Yeah! And whose fault is that?”
“Look around, love. In case you hadn’t noticed we’re snowed in. So unless you plan to freeze to death, we’ll have to find a way to keep each other warm.”
“I may be stuck with you, but I don’t have to like it.”
“Is now a bad time to tell you I’m claustrophobic?”
“Your heart’s racing. Now, I know being pressed up against me is exhilerating and all, but I’m trying to concentrate on picking this lock.”
“What are you? Afraid?”
“Uh. Slight problem. We’re trapped.”
“Well, which way, smartass?” “Uh. We might be lost.”
one thing about me as a batman fan is that im not 100% convinced his penis works very good. im completely fine with fanfic where hes horny as hell and fucks like a machine and all that but in my heart of hearts im like. this man has erectile dysfunction.
like first of all theres the psychological aspect, in the sense that that man is stressed the hell out and traumatized and paranoid and juggling like 600% more in his head than the average person, which im told doesnt usually contribute to great boners. so there’s that part. getting the man to put down his schedules and business concerns and the three different cases hes working on in the back of his head and the updates he wants to make to the batmobile and all that shit. that guy is Distracted during sex. he loses his boner at least once a session because he starts thinking about killer croc or something and yeah hes freaky but not really in that direction, sorry. this is a thing that happens to him and is a known phenomenon to his partners.
and then second of all physiologically im not convinced that he hasnt mangled his penis to some degree in the course of all the training and crimefighting and whatnot. like even taking extra pains to protect it as im sure he would, all of the times that man has been exploded and thrown through walls and glass and all of the jumping off of buildings and swinging around he does?? i simply dont believe his penis has emerged entirely unscathed. you absolutely cant tell me that in the early days he didnt at least twice take a running leap off of something, misjudge his landing, and absolutely destroy his balls when he slipped and took a wrought iron fence full force between the legs. this must have happened. i know it to be true that this man has scars on his dick that he didn’t ask someone to put there on purpose and i do kinda think it could eventually affect his sexual function, even aside from the impact of all of his other various and perpetual injuries causing him pain.
so what im saying is that my headcanon is that batman’s dick game is weak as hell at least 50% of the time. what that dick do? today, absolutely nothing. tomorrow, who knows. which tbh i find kinda hot in a roundabout way actually, so. love that for him. sorry about your penis, batman.
Forging a Longquanjian/Longquan Sword （longquanjian龙泉剑, literally dragon spring sword）by 四姑 (The video quality is a bit blurry at the beginning, but it will improve after a few seconds
Why is there no man arching his back with his butt in the air emoji
back in my day we just typed orz to make a little stick figure man doing that (or we would type or2 to give him a dumptruck). And we LIKED it that way!
