every day I am tormented by the question of Daphne Allen and what the actual fuck was up with that whole situation. daily. wondering about her whole deal is simply my cross to bear, i guess.
Hello I love the work you are doing here. If its possible, can you please recommend a fic where Dean in guilty about the way he treated Cas when he was human in Season 9? Especially where Cas gets better treatment from someone else and Dean is jealous and resentful about it but also guilty because he knows he fucked up. (Like Your Heart is Beating From Me). Even if its not Season 9 divergent, its ok, just a fic where Dean feels guilty
Brittle and battle-worn, Cas looks at him over coffee one morning and says, âI need to go,â and Dean instantly knows that heâs not coming back. Heâs not really sure how he knows it, but he does. It settles into the pit of his stomach, curling hot and tight like something he instinctively wants to tear out with his bare hands. He takes a breath, and it gets stuck in his throat, hitching there. It hurts, hurts, hurts when he finally exhales. âYeah,â Dean says, âof course you do,â and he nods jerkily as he looks down at his phone. He doesnât say goodbye. He doesnât look up from the screen when Cas gets up and leaves the room. He doesnât finish his coffee, or move for a long time. By nightfall, Cas is gone.
Cast out of the bunker, Castiel is lost. Adapting to humanity feels like a punishment for his deeds. When he becomes sick, weakened by cold and hunger, the battery on his phone allows him one last call to say goodbye. Alarmed, Dean rushes to save Cas. Heâs right on time. But with Ezekiel threatening to let Sam die if Cas steps back into the bunker, they are forced to share a motel room. Castiel slowly recovers under Deanâs care, when an accidental kiss changes everything. Things might finally turn for the better, if it werenât for the situation at home.
Beautiful Chaos by anyrei, queerwolf79 (Explicit, 141k words)
When your comprehension of Chaos Theory stems from Jeff Goldblumâs character in Jurassic Park, thereâs a distinct possibility that said comprehension is paltry at best. But whether the chaotic events in Dean Winchesterâs life are actually an anarchic mathematical probability, or simply a drop of water running down different paths on his hand; Dean was certain of one thing: He was completely and totally fucked. And not in a good way.
Thoroughly fed up with Deanâs inability to open up emotionally, Cas walks away only to find comfort in another manâs embrace. Or, The one where Dean realizes his mistakes, but will there be enough time?
Days after Iâm No Angel, Castiel finds himself exiled from the safety of the bunker. The money Dean gives him runs out all too soon. Luck, or perhaps divine providence, lands him on the Amish farm of Jacob and Lydia Bieler. The Bielers take Cas in. Despite the Amishâs general distrust of outsiders - Englischers - the strange man who can understand their language and isnât afraid of hard work seems a natural fit amongst them. Castiel thinks he might just go ahead and stay - the farm seems like a good place to heal his broken heart, and maybe forget who broke it. Meanwhile, Dean finds himself so wracked with guilt, he canât stand to see his own face in the mirror. He doesnât know whatâs worse; the fact that he threw Cas away or that Samâs unwillingly - and unwittingly - possessed by an angel. Charlie comes for a visit and decides to stay, and it takes her no time at all to call Dean on his bullshit. With her help and encouragement and a plan to deal with the angel in Sam later, Dean and Charlie set out to find Cas and bring him home. But when they find him, Deanâs surprised that Cas doesnât want to come home, leaving Dean to face some difficult truths about himself - and how he feels about Castiel.
Dean drains his bottle of beer, sets it on the table and gets up, heading for the kitchen. Maybe to fetch another, maybe to leave. But Castiel doesnât want him to go, doesnât want to leave this conversation unfinished; he remembers his regret of just a few hours ago, that Dean had never known how he loved him. âWait,â he says and gets to his feet as Dean passes by. Theyâre standing close â close enough that Castiel can feel the heat of Deanâs body, the vibrancy of his soul brushing against his grace. âDean, I have to tell you somethingâŠâ
âListen, buddy. You canât stay.â Five little words that had sent Castielâs whole world crumbling down around him. What would he do? Where would he go? How would he survive now that he was human? That had been nearly 2 years ago. He did what he needed to get by. Had a roof over his head, just about. Minimal food in his belly, enough to keep him alive at least. And money in his pocket. Dirty, filthy money he earned by offering himself up to people that did unspeakable, sinful things to him. Once an angel of the lord, now left to lurking on street corners, hoping someone would give him the time of day just so he could stay alive. Whispers of disappearances had been rife through 5th street. But when familiar faces start vanishing, Castiel isnât sure if people were leaving out of fear or something worse. Just when everything seemed its bleakest there was a tiny glimmer of hope, pinging brightly off chrome alloys and glossy black paintwork. The rumbling beast cruising through his neighbourhood, by his corner. He never thought heâd see that car again. The Winchester brothers brought to the city on a new case. A new case that sat a little too close to home.
Lost & Found by Castielslostwings (Explicit, 137k words)
After being unceremoniously kicked out of the bunker, Castiel disappears for several months without so much as a breadcrumb trail. Dean searches high and low but comes up empty. Drowning in liquor and guilt, heâs starting to lose hope until Garth calls to offer him a strange case. Dean jumps at the chance to get out of the bunker and back on the road, even if it means leaving Sam behind. But what he finds, is so much more than he bargained for. While Dean is more than ready to atone for his mistakes and show a reluctant Castiel just how much he matters, the universe isnât going to make it that easy. Metatronâs seen the future, and heâs hellbent on changing it so that he finally comes out on top. Castiel and Dean will have to travel to the ends of the Earth, into the bowels of Hell, find their way through Purgatory, and take on Heaven itself to reverse the spell and save the world - again.
Supply Run by TheTwistedWillow (Explicit, 43k words)
It was supposed to be a quick hardware store run to replenish supplies. What Dean didnât count on was for Cas to run into a potential love interest in the form of another man. Through the course of Casâ dating, and a few hunts, Dean comes to many realizations.
Once the rogue angel Dean had allowed inside his brother was expelled and Sam was safe, a guilt-ridden Dean searched high and low for his friend and former angel, Castiel. Unable to find him, Dean presumed he was dead. Until, that is, the fateful day he ran into him during a quick stop in a small northwestern town more than three years later.
Cas is head over heels in love with Dean, but heâll never admit it. Especially not when he and Dean can barely go two days without arguing over something new. When Mick Davies gives Cas his number, Cas takes him up on itâ and Dean is less than happy about it.
Cas is human and on his own, and he discovers he can turn tricks to make ends meet. But maybe itâs not really the life he wants? Set in mid S9, canon divergent from the Gas-n-Sip episode.
i do think jensen over-exaggerates the whole âi was just watching misha performâ / âi forgot to actâ a little bit as a strategic way to avoid ascribing any specific emotion to dean in that scene. not because i think he doesnât know what dean was feeling or because he thinks dean doesnât love cas back, but because, as heâs said multiple times before (and which i Agree with him about!!) itâs not his place as an actor to tell us âword of godâ style what dean was or was not feeling. itâs the audienceâs job to read the scene and come to our own conclusion. and also, IF/WHEN thereâs a continuation we will likely (hopefully) get to see dean expand on his feelings. the whole âcan we talk about that goodbye for a secâ. like, misha can talk abt casâs feelings more freely and definitively because CAS got to talk abt casâs feelings on screen. though what we do know is that itâs jensenâs belief that dean didnât full process casâs words until after when he was sitting alone sobbing. and that jensen was thinking in that moment as dean that he shouldâve said something. shouldâve told cas he loved him too and hugged him. and so, because of this, and because i Know that man thinks SO much abt dean and specific choices i therefore call BULL (a little bit) (affectionately) on his whole âi forgot to actâ and i think it was a deliberate choice to play dean as âconfusedâ and processing / overwhelmed and unable to speak, and only later processing after the fact. (also let us not forget his whole admission to âplaying a montage of cas scenes in his mindâ during that scene)
trust that if dean hadnât have been a demon and heard cas having his little tuberculosis moment and saw him stumbling around fainting like a victorian invalid, that he would have had him in the bunker asap under five blankets and with a bowl of soup
