I’ve collected all of my findings into a single, very legitimate looking book, so that everyone can know the truth about my hometown of Beach City! Finally, my legacy is protected for the ages. Even if a giant solar flare wipes out all of the world’s computers - MY BLOG WILL SURVIVE!
Writing this book was a monumental task. It took me countless hours of slacking off at work to compile all of my writings, illustrations and far-flung theories into one place. I did have a little help from some fellow truth-stigators I met on a Koala Princess forum, Ben Levin and Matt Burnett, but most of the work was definitely done by ME!
So if you wanna read about lots of weird stuff like Radioactive Centipedes, Giant Women from the Sea, and The Great Diamond Authority - then order a copy! It’s sure to be an Empire Times Best-Seller!
In my searches for THE TRUTH, I’ve done a lot of listening. I’ve listened to haunted houses to hear ghosts from other dimensions. I’ve listened to radio signals from the cosmos for signs of alien life. But on my most recent quest to help the Crystal Gems, I forgot to listen to someone very important: the Crystal Gems. If you wanna help someone else, you can’t make it all about you - no matter how sweet your KATANA BLADES may be! You gotta listen and help spread their words.
I’ve also learned that HUMANS NEED TO SLEEP. I didn’t sleep for 48 hours and I PASSED OUT FOR DAYS. I woke up on the floor in the foyer of my house. My dad said that’s as far as he could drag me with his bad back. From now on, I’m sticking to my normal schedule of 16 hours of sleep a night.
Anyway, if you’re in Beach City, come grab a Ronalphlet and learn how you can help the Crystal Gems!
Much like Koala Princess’ vision in the Eucalyptus Jungle in Season 5, Episode 13 what you saw on the Boardwalk the other day was not what it seemed. I was only pretending to date Kiki to defend my family’s honor, just as the Kanga-ronin did in Season 1, Episode 3!
Please, come back to me! Without you, I’m like a Super Sentai Sugar Glider without a gliding membrane! I’m like the Walkabout Warrior without his talking digeridoo!
To quote Prince Joey in the Koala Princess OVA, Koala Krisis Down Under: “You’re a ridgey-didge sheila. And Bob’s your Uncle if I don’t think you’re ripper.” Which I think means you’re cool and I like you a lot.
You know what? I’m over her! I’m over Jane and I’m over LOVE and I’m over any sort of human companionship. I’m just going to be single forever and dedicate all of my time to my research, and my book, and to building a giant robot that I can pilot into space WHERE THERE ARE NO FEELINGS!
Ugh, I wish I had some sad music to listen to at work. All I have is a playlist of video game soundtracks and some EVP recordings of ghost hauntings. I guess ghosts are sad. I’ll just listen to those.
But if you’re feeling happy, I do suggest listening to the “Go-Go Gorilla Go-Go Kart Racing” soundtrack. Some solid 16-bit J-reggae.
DISCLAIMER:None of these characters belong to me. They are the property of Crying Breakfast Friends and Pepe’s Burgers. I just wrote this for fun. PLEASE DON’T SUE ME!
Rating: PG for romance and crying.
The club was called the Midnight Snack. In it’s prime, all of the ripest fruits and fancy cheeses in town showed up at it’s doors to dance and be merry. But that was years ago, and now the club was just a rundown dive for all the snacks that the fridge had forgotten.
Everything at the Midnight Snack was almost past its expiration date. Everything, that is, except for Pepe and Pear.
Pepe was a burger. He played the ivory keys. Pear was… a pear. Every night, she would sit herself atop the piano and the two would sing duets that could make an onion cry.
They sang songs of romance and unrequited love. It was their act, but Pepe always wondered if it were… more than an act.
Greetings, my devoted followers. Many of you have been wondering with your senpai has gone in this time of extreme weirdness. Mysterious earthquakes, UFO sightings and chunks of fruit salad washing up on the beach have all been seemingly ignored by this online encyclopedia of unearthly oddities.
But fear not, because I HAVE been documenting ALL of the things keeping Beach City weird for my latest project - a Keep Beach City Weird BOOK! This is what I got so far.
Pretty good start, right? Now all I have to do is write that chapter. And then a few more chapters. And then find a publisher.
Look, making a book is a lot harder than I thought, and it has been sucking up all my time. Not only have I neglected the blog, but I have had to cut back on my shifts at the Fry Shop. So until those book checks start rolling in, I have decided to bring in some big name sponsors to Keep Beach City Financially Solvent. So please enjoy this sponsored content courtesy of… sigh… GUACOLA.
SPONSORED POST
I know, I know, you’ve already heard the World’s First Guacamole Soda advertised on every podcast out there, but I’m here to share my personal endorsement of this… ugh… “extreme soda snack that is not at all whack.” I’ve tasted Guacola and I can confirm that, technically, it is edible. Although sometimes you have to chew it. But I’m sure Guacola has lots of other great uses, like mortaring in a brick wall or clogging a drain that runs too smoothly.
So do your throat a favor and order a case today! Guacola will ship a case right to your door (provided your door is not in one of the 17 states currently involved in the lawsuit against Guacola Inc, a subsidiary of Gluggman Industrial Adhesives).
Guacola. It’s a soda that pays people to say they like it, so you know it’s good.
