the stats spiral
Thatâs what I call it when I start obsessing over the numbers I get on fics or posts. When I refresh AO3 every five or ten minutes to see if Iâve got more hits or kudos. When I keep my tumblr activity page open in a tab to see new notes as soon as they come in.
Itâs not fun. Not really. Even when I sometimes tell myself it is.
You see, it starts out exciting! Iâve put a thing out there and now I get to see the reactions to it! Iâm like a kid on their birthday who canât wait to see their presents. What are people going to say? Will they like it? Will they talk to me about it?
Iâm lucky enough that I do get notes on tumblr posts and I do get comments and kudos when I post on AO3. But depending on how excited I am about the thing that I made and depending on how uncertain I am of whether itâs any good, I want to get a lot more attention than I end up getting.
I know that thatâs a normal feeling. I know itâs even a rational one! Iâve put a lot of effort into making something, or Iâve made something that I think my community will like, and not hearing back like Iâd hoped can sometimes feel like rejection. It can be a huge disappointment that makes me doubt myself, my abilities, my connection to my community.
Thatâs why I say itâs not fun. Because even though âengagementâ can give me a really high high, it can also give me a really low low.
When I finally realize Iâm in one of those lows (and it sometimes takes me a while to realize that I am), thatâs when I know that I need to step away.
When itâs really bad, I just stop posting until Iâm in a better mental space. For me, I now recognize that those feelings are often coming from me wanting a connection of some kind. The need for attention is coming from a feeling of loneliness or isolation, and so I need to counteract that by reaching out to people I know and care about to have a chat or a meal or just some time spent doing something communal.
When I can catch it early, then I force myself to close the activity tab here on tumblr and hide whatever stats are making me spiral on AO3. Iâve learned to recognize that Iâm looking to those metrics as a way to feel important or special or cared for in some way and that I need to figure out where Iâm feeling insecure in my life and how to get some reassurance - because strangers on the internet wonât be able to give me what I need.
If youâre currently spiraling, first of all lemme give you a hug â¤ď¸ I hope you can take some time and figure out what it is that you want those stats to tell you about yourself or what it is that you think those stats will give you that youâre not getting from somewhere else.
And if you havenât heard it lately, Iâm glad that youâre in this world - no matter what kind of numbers you have on your posts.
