“Queer indispensability?” Manal asks. “It’s a concept I heard about at a play I went to a few months ago—a solo performance piece by a queer Sri Lankan trans man,” I tell her. “At one point, he talked about something he noticed, not only in himself, but in his queer friends and community—this way in which queer people tend to make themselves indispensable in their relationships and friendships. They’re so afraid of being left that they make themselves unleavable.” ― Lamya H., Hijab Butch Blues (Affiliate link)
One of the most important things to unpack and unlearn when you’re part of a white supremacy saturated society (i.e. the global north) and especially if you were raised in an intensified form of it (evangelicism, right wing politics, explicit racism) is the urge to punish and take revenge.
It manifests in our lives all the time and it is inherently destructive. It makes relationships and interactions adversarial for no good reason. It undermines cooperation and good civic order. It worsens some types of crime. It creates trauma, especially in children.
Imagine approaching unexpected or unacceptable behavior from a perspective of “how can this be stopped, and prevented” instead of “you’re going to regret this!”
Imagine dealing with a problem or conflict from the perspective of “how can this be solved in a way that is just and restorative” instead of “the people who caused this are going to pay.”
How much would that change you? How much would that have changed for you?
Please.
OP: Imagine approaching unexpected or unacceptable behavior from a perspective of "how can this be stopped, and prevented” instead of “you’re going to regret this!” [emphasis mine]
Punishment enthusiasts in the notes: "so you’re saying we should never stop anyone from doing bad things? and we should just sing Kum Ba Ya until they stop being mean? you’re an idiot and you should be punished, probably”
contemplate, for a moment, that you just might be able to stop someone from harming people while also taking care to minimize the harm you do to them
and if you don’t think you should have to worry about that: why not?
I teach Intro to Psych, and I’m lecturing on operant conditioning next week. I always tell my students this story:
When I took this class, lo these many years ago, I remember thinking, if punishment doesn’t work very well on animals (because it doesn’t), why does it work on humans? Specifically at the time I was thinking about spanking kids, which I had grown up with as normal parenting behavior in the 80s, but also punishment in general.
And it wasn’t until years later that I realized that the answer is - IT DOESN’T. And research absolutely backs that up.
Punishment is one of the least effective ways of changing behavior in humans, too! The behavior change you do sometimes get is people trying to avoid punishment, but that doesn’t mean stopping the behavior you punished - it often means just finding ways to do it that are less likely to get you caught. Lying, hiding things, being sneakier about it. And that’s when you get any change at all.
Spanking, of course, has whole other issues - namely that it turns out children learn by watching others, not simple conditioning, so spanking them makes them more likely to be violent themselves.
Look, the behaviorists were wrong in that they thought conditioning was the be-all end-all of learning, when in fact life and psychology are far, far more complicated and messy than that - but even they knew that punishment isn’t nearly as effective as rewards. (Neither is as effective as addressing the underlying motivation behind the behavior, which they wanted to ignore entirely, but even they knew this much.)
If you’re telling yourself that your desire to punish people is rooted in wanting to change their behavior, please accept what decades of science has told us: IT DOESN’T.
A blog about nothing and everything. I've lived a decent amount years and I am a proper adult. I write horror and monsters and yanderes too and I bake. I identify as BiAce and I have my masters in library science. I don't do much so this blog is mostly reblogs from other people.
